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The Clash of the Grannies: What to Do When Grandparents Compete


Before you have kids your extended family stays on the sidelines. Cue the baby and it all changes. Everyone wants a piece of the kid action. You and your partner can find yourselves in a Family Tug of War. Although most sets of grandparents like each other tremendously, some see the other set(s) as the opposition. In effect, they want to be the Alpha Grandparents, and consequently, they don't share very well as they battle it out for star billing.



Competitive categories in this high-stakes "who will have the greatest influence of the grandkids" tournament include: The Title Championship (who gets to be called 'Grandma'), The Battle for Floor and Wall Space (whose pictures and presents occupy the most space), The Battle for Face Time, and Gratuitous Grandparental Gift Giving. The gift and picture competitions are for the most part easily resolved. If grandparents want to blow their retirement money hiring photographers and buying Barbies, so be it. The battle for face time is much trickier. Many grandparents keep a detailed account of how much time they've spent with the grandkids and will let you know (and possibly make you feel terribly guilty) if their score is lower than the opposition's.

So what can you do to ratchet down the competition and make life a little easier for everyone (especially yourself)?

Be as Fair as Possible. Most of us can't help but favor our own side of the family. It's normal to want to maximize your own genetic and cultural influence on your offspring and really, you're just more accustomed to your own family's oddities. But if you consistently and unfairly prioritize their relationship with the kids over that of your in-laws, you'll exasperate the competition, and quite possibly undermine your own marriage. Keep in mind that your in-laws are among the small handful of people who will love your kids as much as you do. What child doesn't benefit from another set of hands applauding every tiny achievement, another lap to sit on, another teller of tales, another adult who loves and cherishes them? Sure, your in-laws aren't perfect, but who is?

Good Fences Make Good In-Laws: Boundaries. Life is just simpler for everyone when they know what behavior is acceptable and unacceptable, so it's important to set expectations. The important thing is that you and your spouse are playing on the same team. For example, talk to - and, if possible, laugh with- your spouse about the effects of grandparent one-upmanship. Set limits on gift giving, figure out holiday schedules well in advance, and adopt a zero-tolerance policy for any negative remarks about the other side.

Run Interference. Once you and your spouse have agreed on the boundaries, be prepared to enforce those boundaries with your own family. You have to get each other's backs. If your parents are the offending, turf-infringing party, it's your mess to clean up. It's not fair to send your spouse into your battleground and/or expect him to deal with your parents' less-than-ideal behaviors. And vice versa.