Just another night in suburbia...
There have been times in my life when I have been absolutely astounded by the male sex drive. I was awestruck a couple of months after the birth of our first daughter when Mike attempted to have sex with me. My leaky boobs, matted hair, stooped shoulders, hairy legs, stained bathrobe and – I am pretty sure - stinky breath did not deter him.
It’s hard to have perspective about this stage of our lives. We can’t see too far beyond the next milestone: “Things will be so much easier when he’s potty trained/in preschool/making his own lunch/driving a car.” But we can get some perspective from couples who have been down this road already. Even though marriage and parenting have changed dramatically in a generation or two, the fundamental experience of adjusting to parenthood remains basically the same. The parenting veterans once found it as shocking as we do now. They felt their way along in the dark just like we’re all attempting to do.
Mothers of small kids, whether they work or not, often feel that their sense of self is consumed by the roles of cook, chauffeur, cleaner, and toddler entertainer. When sex is added to the list of things that others demand from us, we start to resent it. We start to feel like a rabbit in a cage—a rabbit that is being pursued by an oversexed male rabbit. Run rabbit, run! And when a husband’s idea of foreplay is to use openers like “Hey, it’s been a while . . .” or to say nothing and just give us the Ten O’Clock Shoulder Tap, we want to run even faster. (Cue the "Jaws" theme.)
Imagine, if you will, an entire week or even a month going by without having a conversation with your husband. Imagine a day spent together without as much as a "hello, how you doing?" from him? Or going out for a meal together and having him read a book/read his phone with scarcely a glance in your direction, as you chew your food in silence. Can you imagine how hurt and rejected you would feel? If it has been a while (let's say weeks) since you and your husband have had sex, it's possible that he might be feeling as ignored and rejected as you would feel if he had not spoken to you for weeks.
No doubt, you know that one of the things you are supposed to be doing for the health and well-being of your marriage is to have regular date nights with your husband. While a date night sounds like just what you and him need, how great does that date actually end up being?
Damn you, Martha Stewart! One of the reasons moms have less time and energy for sex is because we let the household cr@p drain us. Lazy Moms have more sex. They’ve got more energy for it. Are you more concerned with the state of your kitchen closets than the state of your sex life? What would be better for you … a trip to the Container Store or a session in the bedroom with your husband?
We’ve all been there. Exhausted and not feeling remotely sexy. But it’s been a while so when you’re husband makes a move you say, “OK”. You might even say “OK, if you really want to …” It turns out, though, that as far as our men are concerned this “grin and bear it” approach to sex can actually be worse than saying “no”. A man can feel rejected even if – and amazingly, while- his wife is having sex with him...
Dennis and Kimberly Quaid Know Marriage After Kids Hard Work, But Worth a (Second) Try
Hillary Duff’s Marriage Advice for New Moms | Babyproofing Your Marriage is available at any major bookstore, or online: |
