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Discuss Your Experience
angry wife
drummindaddy
Posts: 3
Joined: June 2009
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angry wife
Posted: Tue Jun 16, 2009 9:25 am
My wife is always yelling or nagging me. I do things to try to make her happy. Clean up, say sweet things, tell her I love her ( i do very much) etc... If I do 5 things that need to be done around the house or something romantic, she will come home and tell me something i didn't do or did wrong and will tell me like she's scolding a child. I forget things at times, i admit, but the nagging doesn't stop. I would mow the lawn, clean the kitchen, vacuum, do laundry and if I mistakenly leave a gum wrapper or a sock on the floor, that is the first thing I hear and intensly. This is consistant and in front of our 1yr old baby. I can't make her happy and I want so badly to improve our communication. I worry about her not being nicer and more loving to me. Especially in front of our baby. She is an awesome mom and i consider myself a good father and I don't want a divorce. I need some help here
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Louie
Posts: 10
Joined: February 2008
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Re: angry wife
Posted: Tue Sep 29, 2009 10:33 am
The reason your wife is nagging you is because she is worried about her ability to keep the family affairs in order and is reaching out to you to help her. Women have a natural instinct that compels them to want to keep their living space in order. Its part of their "Tend and Befriend" instinct to problem solving. They naturally protect themselves and their families by tending (watching the kids, ensuring that the home is safe and details are taken care of etc) and befriending (enlisting as many allies as possible in their efforts to keep the family safe and provided for).
If your wife is nagging you to do more chores or appears to be angry whenever you do something wrong it is because she feels that you do not understand her feelings on the subject and are not taking it seriously. In other words, she feels that you are not a reliable ally in her efforts to keep her world safe and orderly. If you react to her criticism with anger or withdrawal then this will increase her sense that you are not on side with this issue and increase her sense of being overwhelmed ... which usually leads to more nagging. Its a vicious cycle that sooner or later needs to be broken.
Taking on more house work will obviously help, but will not solve the problem. You need to make her feel that you DO understand why she nags you, and that you ARE on side with her.
The next time your wife snaps at you about something try this:
- First you have to remind yourself that this is not an enemy you are facing, it is your wife whom you love very much. Studies have shown that simply thinking a positive thought about someone will make you happier, even if they are doing something to make you unhappy.
- Next you need to try and understand why she is upset. Suppose you left a wet towel on the bath room floor. She's not really upset about the towel. She is upset because she thinks that the fact you left a towel on the floor indicates that you don't care about whether or not the house is clean and safe, or you take it for granted that she will clean up after you (IE that you can't be relied on to pick up after yourself).
- Now that you are in the right frame of mind you need to go into approach mode. There are three ways to interact with another person. You either attack, avoid or approach. Attack will make the situation much worse for both of you so you have to suppress the urge to want to defend yourself and argue back. Avoid happens when you silently pick up the towel, shove it on the rack and walk out. You dealt with the towel, but did nothing to address the real source of her anger.
Approach is the only mode that will make the situation better over the long haul. To resolve a situation in approach mode you need to communicate to your wife that you understand her feelings and the two of you are on the same side (ie. I'm an ally that you can rely on). Pick up the towel and put it on the rack, then make eye contact, smile, and say something that indicates that you understand leaving wet towels on the floor is not good. You don't have to make a heart felt apology. Something along the lines of "whoops, I forgot about it. I don't want it to get moldy" is good enough. The words show that you understand why she is upset about a wet towel on the floor. The smile and eye contact show her that this little interaction has not damaged your relations and you are still her loving husband.
Over time as your wife becomes more comfortable with the idea that you do listen to her, and do understand why she complains about things the nagging will change into gentle reminders of things you forgot or over looked. Even if you are still forgetting things on a regular basis, her impression that you don't care will have changed so she will not be so upset when such things happen.
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