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Discuss Your Experience
Am I using our daughter?
Artemis
Posts: 1
Joined: December 2008
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Am I using our daughter?
Posted: Tue Dec 16, 2008 9:02 am
We are new parents to a 3 month old girl and last night was the worst yet in our relationship. My mother has just left us after being with us for the first 3 months, so these are truly our first days just hubbie and me and baby.
I am staying at home with baby in a new city, and my husband has just started a new job a week after baby was born. So I've just moved out to join him, and my mom came with us for the first 2 weeks.
Last night baby wouldn't go to sleep, mostly I think because the tv was on too loud and then hubbie wanted to read in bed for a while. Baby sleeps next to us, but she wasn't settling. I was already head on the pillow, hoping she'd fall asleep. Then hubbie picked her up and started playing with her. Then she pooped. So he says, "She needs to be changed." I said, "I'm tired. You do it. Or leave it, she's not crying." He asked me to change her. I said, leave me alone. This went on for several minutes. (I get very cranky as it was already midnight- my witching hour.) He got huffy, said I was using our daughter to manipulate him, and went out and changed her. Then he brought her back to our bed, and went and slept in the spare room.
I went into the room with the baby, we had words that basically went:
- I'm tired. Let me sleep.
-Well, I'm tired too. And you have to give me some support. I can't do everything for this baby.
-You'd leave her in a dirty diaper all night. You're lazy and dirty.
I left the room and settled baby to sleep and we went to bed.
In the morning, he was still huffy and left for work with hardly a word. Other than telling me to sleep when baby sleeps.
Background on this: this would be the first diaper that husband has changed since baby was born. Admittedly he hasn't spent much time with her yet, but it's been over two weeks since they've been reunited. I've asked repeatedly for him to change a diaper, but he's refused, citing his cold (which he is now over).
So, my question, am I being unreasonable to be angry that he accuses me of being lazy and manipulative? Or am I really being manipulative at the cost of my daughter suffering diaper rash?
I feel quite alone at the moment given that I don't have any friends in this city and my family is now back at home, thousands of miles away. My husband is my only support here and this is just two weeks into our so-called "family life". I feel ready to pack up and move back in with my parents. I feel so angry at him, and also terrified that this is going to be the pattern of our marriage from now on. But how to move on?
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Cathy O'Neill BPYM
Posts: 9
Joined: June 2007
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Re: Am I using our daughter?
Posted: Mon Dec 29, 2008 11:23 pm
Artemis,
Take a deep breath. You are a brand new mom and you have just moved to a new city. You are in the midst of two very stressful, life-changing events. You would not be normal if you didn't feel angry and upset and frustrated and terribly lonely. So, it's OK to feel the way you do. And, it's pretty normal that the worst night of your marriage occurred during the first three months of parenthood. Trust me, that's almost standard for new parents. You're both exhausted and shell-shocked and you end up taking it out on each other. Just because the first few months are tough, it does not mean that this will be - as you fear- the "pattern for your family life." You know what kind of man you married. Is he decent and kind and loving? If so, he will always be decent and kind and loving, he just needs time to adjust and grow up. The same way that you do.
You wrote that your husband has just started a new job. It's likely that his primary concern is making sure that he performs well or maybe even that he just hangs on to this job, given how the economy is going. Changing diapers might not just be on his radar. I'm guessing that he is so worried about putting food on the table/providing for you and the baby that he doesn't know one end of a diaper from the other. And also in his mind he is being a dad, he is working hard at taking care of the baby because he is making sure that there is money to buy the diapers. Don't get fixated on things like changing diapers, that is not the ultimate test of whether or not a man is a good father, whether or not he changes a diaper. Ask yourself, why is this battle so important to you? Is this really about how many times each of you changes the baby or do you just want some appreciation from him. It's probably the latter, so just tell him what you need to hear him say. He probably needs to hear you say that you're proud of him, that you know he is working really hard and so on. Give your husband a hug. Tell him you need a hug. Be kind to each other. He is not the enemy. You can get through this together.
And for what it's worth, change the baby's diaper when it needs to be changed. There is no good reason to let her be uncomfortable, that's not going to help anyone.
Good luck Artemis.
| Artemis wrote: | We are new parents to a 3 month old girl and last night was the worst yet in our relationship. My mother has just left us after being with us for the first 3 months, so these are truly our first days just hubbie and me and baby.
I am staying at home with baby in a new city, and my husband has just started a new job a week after baby was born. So I've just moved out to join him, and my mom came with us for the first 2 weeks.
Last night baby wouldn't go to sleep, mostly I think because the tv was on too loud and then hubbie wanted to read in bed for a while. Baby sleeps next to us, but she wasn't settling. I was already head on the pillow, hoping she'd fall asleep. Then hubbie picked her up and started playing with her. Then she pooped. So he says, "She needs to be changed." I said, "I'm tired. You do it. Or leave it, she's not crying." He asked me to change her. I said, leave me alone. This went on for several minutes. (I get very cranky as it was already midnight- my witching hour.) He got huffy, said I was using our daughter to manipulate him, and went out and changed her. Then he brought her back to our bed, and went and slept in the spare room.
I went into the room with the baby, we had words that basically went:
- I'm tired. Let me sleep.
-Well, I'm tired too. And you have to give me some support. I can't do everything for this baby.
-You'd leave her in a dirty diaper all night. You're lazy and dirty.
I left the room and settled baby to sleep and we went to bed.
In the morning, he was still huffy and left for work with hardly a word. Other than telling me to sleep when baby sleeps.
Background on this: this would be the first diaper that husband has changed since baby was born. Admittedly he hasn't spent much time with her yet, but it's been over two weeks since they've been reunited. I've asked repeatedly for him to change a diaper, but he's refused, citing his cold (which he is now over).
So, my question, am I being unreasonable to be angry that he accuses me of being lazy and manipulative? Or am I really being manipulative at the cost of my daughter suffering diaper rash?
I feel quite alone at the moment given that I don't have any friends in this city and my family is now back at home, thousands of miles away. My husband is my only support here and this is just two weeks into our so-called "family life". I feel ready to pack up and move back in with my parents. I feel so angry at him, and also terrified that this is going to be the pattern of our marriage from now on. But how to move on? |
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