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WHAT ARE THE TOP ISSUES?
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Discuss Your Experience
Introduction + this has to stop
gwinnettdad
Posts: 12
Joined: November 2008
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Introduction + this has to stop
Posted: Mon Nov 10, 2008 4:21 pm
I am a 34 year old man. My wife and I have been married for 13 years. We have one child, a son, who is two years old. I feel that my life is very unbalanced, and I'm miserable as a result.
I'm very much a hands on father and husband. I work five days a week, make a good salary, cook all of our meals, do all of the laundry (except her work clothes), do all of the outside chores, and do all of the cleaning except the bathrooms (my wife is always on me to add bathrooms to my list.) My wife works three days a week, cleans the bathrooms, and manages the bills. The chore imbalance has been the same throughout our marriage. Having a child hasn't changed it. I can live with this much.
I also share in the parenting. On the days she works, I handle getting my son ready, making our lunches, dropping him at the sitter, picking him up, making his dinner, and playing with him. She handles putting him to bed. He still does not sleep more than a couple hours on his own, so he ends up in our bed by 10pm, alternately suckling and kicking me in the head until either it's time to get up or my wife leaves for work (at 6am).
My son is very much a "Mommy's Boy." If my wife is home, he wants her complete attention. Daddy just won't do. In addition, my wife gives me no input in some key parenting decisions. For one, I'd like to have my son weaned sometime before his fifteenth birthday. My wife refuses to discuss weaning, and now our son whines "Nurse, Nurse" any time he becomes frustrated.
He also will not go to sleep without nursing, which is why my wife puts him to bed. The sleeping is the other thing that really aggravates me. I would like to teach my son to sleep all night in his own bed. My wife refuses to discuss any form of sleep training. It's been two years. I feel that our son is more than capable of sleeping on his own, but he isn't going to do it so long as he can get into our bed and nurse with one whine. He naps for the sitter without nursing, so I know he can do it.
I am getting to the point where I can't justify doing all that I do without having input into the decision making process. It makes me want to scream. I am trying my best to be a good husband and father; but I so often feel that I am nothing but a sucker to do all this without having input. Is asking that my son be weaned and learn to sleep on his own too much to ask? It's not like I'm asking her to do it on her own.
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Albion
Posts: 4
Joined: November 2008
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Re: Introduction + this has to stop
Posted: Tue Nov 11, 2008 11:51 am
Hello gwinnettdad.
Very sorry to read your post. I can understand completely why you seem to be unhappy with your family situation, and why you want it to change.
From my own experience, I've a few thoughts that might be worth posting. They aren't 'magic' answers, I'm afraid, but it might help to know you're not alone.
| gwinnettdad wrote: | My son is very much a "Mommy's Boy." If my wife is home, he wants her complete attention. Daddy just won't do
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I saw the same thing with our son, when he was about your son's age. It frustrated me, too. It may largely biological - young children may simply be programmed to prefer their mother, regardless of the quality of input they get from their father. I'm happy to say that he has largely grown out of this by now, and I have become an acceptable substitute for his mother is she's not available, and am sometimes even the preferred parent if we're going to do 'boys' things . So it might well get better in your case in time, if he discovers the fun things he can only do with Dad.
| gwinnetdad wrote: | He still does not sleep more than a couple hours on his own, so he ends up in our bed by 10pm, alternately suckling and kicking me in the head until either it's time to get up or my wife leaves for work (at 6am).
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This is very unfortunate. Is it possible to discuss the sleeping arrangements with your wife without arguing? We eventually found that good sleep habits were something we had to actively teach our children, and that it didn't just 'materialise' at some point, as you might imagine. It caused lots of arguments between us, though, because it is all too easy to portray the man as 'uncaring' by not wanting to share his bed with a small child. In actual fact, you're doing the child a favour by teaching them to sleep on their own, because you're preparing them for later life, and also reducing the stress on their parents (and therefore stress on the whole family) into the bargain.
| gwinnetdad wrote: | My wife refuses to discuss any form of sleep training.
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Does she ever explain why? Is it because she thinks it's 'cruel'? My wife also started out with that opinion, but eventually changed her mind, when she discovered that her constant attention in the night actually made things worse, not better, and she progressively got less and less sleep.
I found the stuff in 'The contented little baby' book by Gina Ford very helpful. It took a while to persuade my wife to try it, but it really helped.
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gwinnettdad
Posts: 12
Joined: November 2008
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Re: Introduction + this has to stop
Posted: Tue Nov 11, 2008 1:44 pm
Thanks for your reply. My wife believes that any sort of sleep training is cruel. She cannot handle the thought of our son crying for any reason. This is also why our son is not yet weaned.
Basically, look up any parenting book on Amazon, go to the reviews, and select the reviews that give the book a 1 star rating. Those all seem like my wife could have written them. The No Cry Sleep Solution book brought my wife to tears. She takes any parenting advice as an attack on her relationship with our son.
She doesn't seem to realize that in addition to being loved and cuddled, he also needs to be taught independence. I believe this is a critical part of helping him become the little person he is destined to be. I'm not preaching abandonment, just a few steps towards boyhood (weaning & sleeping in his own bed) that I believe are age appropriate. Am I asking too much? 
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Albion
Posts: 4
Joined: November 2008
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Re: Introduction + this has to stop
Posted: Tue Nov 11, 2008 7:19 pm
| gwinnettdad wrote: |
She doesn't seem to realize that in addition to being loved and cuddled, he also needs to be taught independence. I believe this is a critical part of helping him become the little person he is destined to be. I'm not preaching abandonment, just a few steps towards boyhood (weaning & sleeping in his own bed) that I believe are age appropriate. Am I asking too much? |
No, I don't think you're asking too much.
But, given what you say about your wife's attitufe to sleep training, it may be quite difficult to persuade her of the sense in your point of view.
I remember when I first started to raise the issue of the sleeping and feeding arrangements, my wife told me I was "robbing her of her joys of motherhood". So I know organising things to everyone's satisfaction isn't always easy!
Here's a few ideas - no guarantees they'll work, of course, but there might be something you could adapt to your situation - hope you haven't heard them all before.
Firstly, does your wife have any female friends with young children about the same age as your son? Did they wean their children earlier, or sleep train them? I've found that my wife is sometimes more responsive if she thinks that people she respects are doing things differently to her. You could try and raise the issue gently at some point, and ask if she thinks the children of her friends have been harmed in any way by being sleep trained or weaned, or the relationships with their mothers damaged?
Another possiblity is to try and make progress yourself. Pack your wife off on a well deserved break somewhere, and use the time to start sleep training with your son. I've often been able to make breakthroughs in problem areas whilst my wife was away, as the children don't play up so much with me, and don't try and get the sympathy vote. If you do make some progress, you can present it as a big achievement of your son when she gets home, and if you're lucky, she'll support you in continuing the training, and she won't let things instantly revert to him sleeping in your bed.
Although perhaps your son is maybe still a bit young, another possibility is bribery! At about three years old, I found bribery became quite an effective weapon in the parental arsenal, as our son started to realise he might get the things he wanted by adopting good behaviour, like sleeping in his own bed. This would work best if supported by your wife, though, as it would easily be undermined if he thinks he'll get the things he wants anyway by another route.
Regarding independence in general, I found that there was a big improvement when our son went to school. It simply isn't possible to give all the children such individual attention there, and they have to get used to being just one amongst many children wanting things. His school was quite keen on making them as independent as possible early on, even asking parents not to stay with the children in the playground, so it might be that things will improve when your son gets to school age, if nothing else.
Hope something there was useful to you, and that things soon start working better for you.
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lindaP
Posts: 5
Joined: December 2007
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Re: Introduction + this has to stop
Posted: Fri Feb 27, 2009 2:36 pm
Hi,
When I was reading your post, I wondered if it was written by my husband.  I know all of this stuff can be very emotional and controversial for both mommy and daddy.
For what it's worth, here's a couple of thoughts: I noticed that your post started off with your concerns about how much you do in the house, as a parent, for your wife, etc. Then your frustration seemed to shift towards being left out of decisions with your child.
LIke the other gentleman said, some of it is developmental. Children this age do prefer mommy. Especially when she is gone from house to the extent she is.
Here is what I have learned in my situation: when we start arguing over child issues - they are often being used as a scapegoat for other things. For instance, all of a sudden my husband may have a real concern about BF. Much more than he did. It will usually come up at a time when he is feeling very out of control in other areas: work, aspects of our marriage, parenting. Then it is easy for us to start arguing about something that is not the real problem.
We are trying to deal with some of our "real" problems now. Some other things just have to be left alone while we do so. I am not saying that this is your case, but I am wondering if you felt that you were not being overextended in house issues and had more of a say in some areas of parenting, if some of these other things might not be such a source of frustration.
As regards books: I am not much into sleep training either. But Elizabeth Pantley's "No Cry Sleep Solution" and Dr. Jay Gordon's (look online) plan for gradual night weaning both worked well for my style.
All the best!
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DaddyPower
Posts: 2
Joined: March 2009
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Posted: Sun Mar 01, 2009 5:29 am
Hi there.
Sympathies! Wow - i agree that really has to stop.
Here's my two cents:
1. Don't worry about the chores for now, just do the lion's share and don't begrudge them - save that lesser problem for a later day.
2. The weaning, bed-sharing, and mummy's boy whining have got to go... and urgently! Sounds like you are making no progress with the direct communication approach. Time for an external mediator / councilor, else you will beat your head against this wall endlessly. Back off any criticisms and arguments, be extra nice, and then sweetly tell your wife over dinner in a week or so that you've booked one and would love it if she could attend together to make your marriage even better. Then gently channel your problems through the councillor and hope reason will prevail.
That's just my advice, but does sound like professional skills are needed for you to negotiate things back on track there.
Good luck!
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tiredmummy
Posts: 2
Joined: March 2009
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Re: Introduction + this has to stop
Posted: Sun Mar 01, 2009 12:58 pm
re: sleep - check the Pantley book & Dr Sears' advice...but as a mummy, it's simply really lovely to do, & your wife obviously enjoys it. Make sure she knows how you really feel.
but...
the only thing that will make her stop is wanting to get pregnant again!!!
re: appreciation...if you could take it, just stop. Maybe take a business trip for a few days.
and - know how wonderful you are to do all that you do. She's v lucky to have your support.
| gwinnettdad wrote: | I am a 34 year old man. My wife and I have been married for 13 years. We have one child, a son, who is two years old. I feel that my life is very unbalanced, and I'm miserable as a result.
I'm very much a hands on father and husband. I work five days a week, make a good salary, cook all of our meals, do all of the laundry (except her work clothes), do all of the outside chores, and do all of the cleaning except the bathrooms (my wife is always on me to add bathrooms to my list.) My wife works three days a week, cleans the bathrooms, and manages the bills. The chore imbalance has been the same throughout our marriage. Having a child hasn't changed it. I can live with this much.
I also share in the parenting. On the days she works, I handle getting my son ready, making our lunches, dropping him at the sitter, picking him up, making his dinner, and playing with him. She handles putting him to bed. He still does not sleep more than a couple hours on his own, so he ends up in our bed by 10pm, alternately suckling and kicking me in the head until either it's time to get up or my wife leaves for work (at 6am).
My son is very much a "Mommy's Boy." If my wife is home, he wants her complete attention. Daddy just won't do. In addition, my wife gives me no input in some key parenting decisions. For one, I'd like to have my son weaned sometime before his fifteenth birthday. My wife refuses to discuss weaning, and now our son whines "Nurse, Nurse" any time he becomes frustrated.
He also will not go to sleep without nursing, which is why my wife puts him to bed. The sleeping is the other thing that really aggravates me. I would like to teach my son to sleep all night in his own bed. My wife refuses to discuss any form of sleep training. It's been two years. I feel that our son is more than capable of sleeping on his own, but he isn't going to do it so long as he can get into our bed and nurse with one whine. He naps for the sitter without nursing, so I know he can do it.
I am getting to the point where I can't justify doing all that I do without having input into the decision making process. It makes me want to scream. I am trying my best to be a good husband and father; but I so often feel that I am nothing but a sucker to do all this without having input. Is asking that my son be weaned and learn to sleep on his own too much to ask? It's not like I'm asking her to do it on her own. |
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gwinnettdad
Posts: 12
Joined: November 2008
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Re: Introduction + this has to stop
Posted: Wed Mar 04, 2009 3:14 pm
| tiredmummy wrote: | re: sleep - check the Pantley book & Dr Sears' advice...but as a mummy, it's simply really lovely to do, & your wife obviously enjoys it. Make sure she knows how you really feel.
but...
the only thing that will make her stop is wanting to get pregnant again!!!
re: appreciation...if you could take it, just stop. Maybe take a business trip for a few days.
and - know how wonderful you are to do all that you do. She's v lucky to have your support.
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You can't be serious.
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tiredmummy
Posts: 2
Joined: March 2009
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Re: Introduction + this has to stop
Posted: Thu Mar 05, 2009 10:03 am
You can't be serious.[/quote]
On which point?? Also - be reassured that children adapt fast to change...many people say 3-4 nights max. (also our experience). I hope it goes well for you guys.
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