|
Stay in the know! Enter your email address and we'll stay in touch.
WHAT ARE THE TOP ISSUES?
|
Discuss Your Experience
Sex/Sleep Trade-Off Deal!
NewMomat40
Posts: 8
Joined: January 2007
|
Sex/Sleep Trade-Off Deal!
Posted: Thu Feb 08, 2007 10:58 am
I'm only telling you this as a suggestion because it has worked for me and my hubby lately. The book mentioned writing down things we value ( or miss). For me, I miss the sleep I got "prebaby", for my husband, it is, of course, "the sex he once received". So I made a compromise with him, several nights a week, we would go upstairs early  but in return he would keep the baby monitor on his side of the bed that night and if the baby woke crying (usually for his pacifer), he had to get up. Last night, we went upstairs early and not too long afterwards, my husband was trotting back downstairs to finish watching a basketball game (with the baby monitor in tow) with a smile on his face and I was peacefully sleeping.  Your trade off may be a little different from ours, but that was basically what we're both needing at the time. I'm so tired, I can barely think sometimes when I get home from work, but I have a little one waiting patiently for his piece of "mommy". Then the big "child" comes home from work and was being neglected. So something had to give for us. This is only an idea I'm throwing out!
|
superdad
Posts: 22
Joined: December 2006
|
Re: Sex/Sleep Trade-Off Deal!
Posted: Thu Feb 08, 2007 1:17 pm
| NewMomat40 wrote: | | I'm only telling you this as a suggestion because it has worked for me and my hubby lately. The book mentioned writing down things we value ( or miss). For me, I miss the sleep I got "prebaby", for my husband, it is, of course, "the sex he once received". So I made a compromise with him, several nights a week, we would go upstairs early but in return he would keep the baby monitor on his side of the bed that night and if the baby woke crying (usually for his pacifer), he had to get up. Last night, we went upstairs early and not too long afterwards, my husband was trotting back downstairs to finish watching a basketball game (with the baby monitor in tow) with a smile on his face and I was peacefully sleeping. Your trade off may be a little different from ours, but that was basically what we're both needing at the time. I'm so tired, I can barely think sometimes when I get home from work, but I have a little one waiting patiently for his piece of "mommy". Then the big "child" comes home from work and was being neglected. So something had to give for us. This is only an idea I'm throwing out! |
Speaking as a male, I can only say BRAVO. I can't imagine most men not jumping all over this proposition. As has been discussed, in the BPYM book and elsewhere, we're pretty simple creatures (most of us anyway).
Sounds like a virtuous cycle you've created, not uncommon when people are dating or first married. Whichever comes first, romance leads to sex which leads to romance (which in this case involves relieving you of your pain). And it all comes back to "what can i do for my spouse to make their life better".
|
NewMomat40
Posts: 8
Joined: January 2007
|
Re: Sex/Sleep Trade-Off Deal!
Posted: Fri Feb 09, 2007 9:58 am
Well Superdad, I'm debating on retracting my suggestion since I'm not sure how well it works. The husband came in from work last night (always right before I'm ready to put the baby to bed) and began bitching because he was starving, I hadn't fixed dinner (forgive me I was exhausted AND had told him I wasn't cooking last night, the night before). When I asked him if he was going to hold the baby A MINUTE before i put him to bed, he said, "YEAH SURE, I DON"T NEED TO EAT".  I was SO MAD, I went OFF on him. His idea of being a father is holding him for 10 - 15 minutes and he's done. I realize a lot of men don't know what to do with a 6 month old baby, but for god sakes, you would THINK he would want to hold his son for a little while. I'm just sick of it, and sick of him. The efforts didn't work in our household I'm sorry to say....but good luck to the rest of you.
|
minimepending
Posts: 1
Joined: February 2007
|
Re: Sex/Sleep Trade-Off Deal!
Posted: Tue Feb 13, 2007 4:26 pm
I know exactly how you feel. I do the sleep/sex trade off sometimes, but I just ask that he take the first "shift" that the baby is bound to have before 5 am (usually its at 2:30) and I'll take the rest (usually 5:30 and then whatever time she wakes up) but when I ask him to just sit on the couch with her while he makes his phone call to make sure she doesn't roll off so I can go to the bathroom or whatever and he gives me attitude. He's yet to change a diaper (promises he'll do vomit. fine) and sounds like he's doing me a huge favor by not expecting an immaculate house. It makes me so mad sometimes. Even when I had a fever of 102 he still acted pathetic. Thank goodness his mom came and helped.
|
superdad
Posts: 22
Joined: December 2006
|
Re: Sex/Sleep Trade-Off Deal!
Posted: Wed Feb 14, 2007 10:50 am
I'm sorry both of you are struggling with your hubbies. I suppose I could try to offer his viewpoint but I don't think that would be too helpful right now.
I will say I acted similarly at times, and my think my wife today would say I'm a prince. So, just remember that it won't always be like this.
It's one of nature's cruel ironies that life's greatest experience IMO (parenting) pits us against the one's we love most. Neither husband nor wife provides the other what they need most and it feels like the other person is being selfish and inconsiderate. In reality, we're all simply struggling through a difficult time and doing exactly what our biological wiring tells us to do.
This may sound silly, but on some very basic animalistic level, your husbands care as much about the next baby (ie having sex) as they do about this one, particularly when they haven't had the opportunity to form a real bond with this one yet. On the contrary, you as mommies fundamentally care only for the well-being of this child to the exclusion of all else - including your husbands, yourselves, etc. Neither husband nor wife seem particularly rational in this phase, and it's only through recognizing our weaknesses/natural urges and working through them together that we can make things better.
Oops - I guess I gave the male viewpoint afterall. What I'm really trying to say is your husbands really do love you and they baby as much as ever, even if their actions say otherwise. I'd also say they/we have no idea what you guys are going through and in hindsight, I would have been MUCH more understanding. I suspect they'll feel the same at some point. HANG IN THERE and try to work through it. Remember he's not the enemy - even when he acts like it.
|
ProudDaddy
Posts: 17
Joined: January 2007
|
Re: Sex/Sleep Trade-Off Deal!
Posted: Wed Feb 14, 2007 6:15 pm
| NewMomat40 wrote: | Thanks for the response. You wouldn't happen to be the spouse of one of the author's would you? 
I'm trying to be understanding with him, but I work just as hard as he does during the day (I work at least 50 hours a week in a office), then I come home to my son who needs lot's of love/care/attention, plus dinner, plus laundry. Do you guys realize we EVEN have to think of something to entertain the baby for a few minutes while we run to the restroom 100mph?? Then....HE comes dragging in the door every night, breaks out into his usual complaints about the day, usually has to go change out of his clothes and goes to use the restroom (which seems to take forever) , picks through the mail, and plops down to read the paper.  Yelp...I may club him with a baby rattle before long! Thanks again for listening. |
Agreed....superdad is very knowledgeable!
I admit, I USED to be this way during the 1st year. For the longest time, it just didn't make sense to me (totally clueless...wish I had this book then). There is so much truth in the fact that we 'instinctively' respond differently when we become parents. Now that our daughter is 2+, I find myself more willing to help out in the love/care/attention department. I just think it takes time, patience, understanding, and most importantly COMMUNICATION between the two of you.
One key thing I see here is, you guys have completely different 'get-home-from-work' routines (for the lack of a better term). Although your priorities are naturally to tend to babies needs, your husbands might be to get home and unwind from a long day at work. I'm sure each of you have your own day-to-day struggles, but don't take the work home. You guys are stressed enough. Focus your energy on what's most important, the 2 of you. Baby will always need and get TLC.
I know it's easier said than done....we have been there and are still learning. Communication is key though. When we get caught up with work and don't communicate (shift to auto-pilot mode), we end up getting out-of-sync. That's where the misunderstandings begin.
Try out some of the suggestions given in the book and/or postings....do the weekend training, plan family night outs, and most importantly...DATE more!!!
Both of you needs to re-energize. If possible, plan a weekend trip. Just don't get in the habit of neglecting the marriage for the sake of trying to be the good parent(s).
Best of Luck!!!
|
Louie
Posts: 10
Joined: February 2008
|
Re: Sex/Sleep Trade-Off Deal!
Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2008 12:13 pm
I would like to apply a strange analogy to try and explain how I feel about sex in a kid-dominated marriage.
In software development we often have systems that have multiple tasks that need to be run. Each task has a priority. When the computer is deciding what task to do next it always takes the next highest priority. However, when the system gets bogged down there are some low priority tasks that never get to run because there is always something else that has a higher priority waiting to go. Some of the low priority tasks are very important and should be allowed to run sometimes, regardless of what else is sitting in the queue because they do maintenance of some kind. If they never get to run then eventually something bad might happen like running out of free disk space because the task that cleans up the disk got starved out by other things.
My wife is like a computer. She always has a list of things in her head that she must, or would like to do. As soon as she finishes one thing she moves on to the next thing in her priority order. Some of her tasks have priority interupt, which means that when they come up all other tasks have to stop in order to let them go ahead. A crying baby is a priority interrupt. Other tasks, like having sex with her husband, are considered low priority. When things are busy (which is always) they tend to get starved out by higher priority tasks (such as sleep). Note that I am not being resetful here, I'm just describing her reality.
Now back to the computer. If you know that a certain low priority task needs to happen sometimes, then you can use a simple scheme to ensure that it will periodically get to run. Each time that a cycle passes without that task being performed you bump it up one priority level. Eventually it will get to the top of the queue and will get to run. Then it goes back to its usual spot at the bottom of the list and starts its slow climb back up again. Moms should try to do the same thing with sex. Every guy has limit where if nothing intimate has happened in this span of time then they start to get grumpy. It may be once a week, it may be once every two weeks, you just need to figure out what your husbands limit is. Then you need to make an honest effort to try and let the sex task run often enough so that he will be feel that his need for sexual intimacy is being met.
The obvious problem with this analogy is that it makes sex into a "maintenance" task that moms are supposed to do in order to keep the machinery of their marriage running smoothly. Its not exactly romantic. However, the truth is that this is how dads tend to see it. Sex is very important to them (it would have a high priority in their list) and it frustrates them to see that particular task get starved out all the time. I would never ask any woman (especially a new mom) to give in to all of her husbands requests for sex. However, you should give in sometimes, even if you have other things that you would rather do. Remember that sex does not have to be intercourse. My wife has her own version of the five minute fix that involves her hand rather than oral sex, but it works just the same. It takes less than ten minutes and it makes me very happy that she is willing to do such a thing for me.
Now on to the flip side of this analogy. Dads need to understand that sex is a low priority task for mom. It gets starved out because there are too many other, higher priority tasks in the queue. If you want to see the sex task run more often then perhaps you should try removing some of the higher priority tasks from the queue. Cook a meal. Do the dishes. Look after the kids. Let your wife go to bed early or sleep in late sometimes. Its amazing how sleep can become the highest priority task when someone is not getting enough. Do your part to fix your problem guys.
|
LIGirl
Posts: 2
Joined: March 2008
|
Re: Sex/Sleep Trade-Off Deal!
Posted: Sun Mar 23, 2008 11:29 pm
Thank you for this post!
I do have lists in my head and my husband tells me that I think like a computer (programmer)! The analogy works really well for our marriage at the moment.
He's with the baby right now so I'll get him to read this later today.
|
|
