Q. My husband and I are constantly fighting. We fight about who gets up when, who is going to get the baby - day or night. We fight about who has done what, who has cleaned what, who's more tired, etc. He doesn't understand that I can barely get anything done during the day by myself ...
Heidi Klum and Seal always seemed crazy about each other. Their love, and delight with their large family, seemed to be the real deal. The news that they are divorcing after seven years of marriage is sad. We all know that celebrity marriages are often not what they appear, that the perfect looking couple on the red carpet gazing into each others eyes might well be giving us all an oscar-winning performance and that they were bickering and calling their respective divorce attorneys on the drive over in the limo.
Q: In your book, "Babyproofing Your Marriage", you all talk about the "Hourglass" that seems to get turned over when the husband asks for sex and is told "Not tonight." The idea is that if the request is not satisfied within the next 24 hours then the hubby's foot starts tapping as he looks at his watch. On one hand, I can see why it would be very annoying for a mom to have a request for sex come out of the blue and then be subjected to some kind of time pressure to get it done within the next X number of days in order to prevent a fight. On the other hand, speaking as a dad, it is also frustrating to have your wife say "Not tonight" and then leave it at that for days on end. I know from experience with my wife that if I ask her for sex on Monday and she says "No", if I ask again within the next couple of days she will get annoyed and tell me that I am obsessing about sex.
Google “happiness and having children” and you’ll find a lot of depressing studies that seem to conclude that we have a national epidemic of miserable parents on our hands. While you may not be miserable, we have all, as parents, had those days when we want to run out the front door screaming and hitch a ride to anywhere that Barney, Dora and friends cannot go.
Q: He walked in last night and asked, wait for it…, “Why is this place always such a mess? The least you could do is clean up around here.” I'm more hurt than angry. He never, ever used to say things like that. I don't want to tell my girlfriends about it because I'm embarrassed. He sounds like a chauvinist. I don't want people to think that about him, but maybe he is. Since I quit my job he's always making cracks about the state of the house. I don't get it. He never cared about that stuff when I was working. I guess on some level, they want it all. The housekeeper, the stripper, the mommy, and the career woman. Help!
A: You are wondering, what does my husband expect from me? You both agreed that you are staying home for the baby, so you ask yourself, why isn't he respecting my new role? Then it hits you. He just doesn't get it - he doesn't understand how hard it is to take care of the baby and the house. Right? What you are experiencing is Whiplash, a sense of the modern woman in you hopping on a time machine and hurtling back to the 1950s. What’s more, it can feel like your husband is pushing the button!
There have been times in my life when I have been absolutely astounded by the male sex drive. I was awestruck a couple of months after the birth of our first daughter when Mike attempted to have sex with me. My leaky boobs, matted hair, stooped shoulders, hairy legs, stained bathrobe and – I am pretty sure - stinky breath did not deter him.
Q: I am not exaggerating here, but my husband is a complete SLOB. I asked him out on our 1st date and he answered the door with a mop, so I assumed he knew how to clean. Um, no. We have a 16 month old, and I have a 9 and 10 year old from a previous marriage. I clean up WAY more than I should be. When I ask my kids to clean their room, they do. They know NOT to shed their toys/books/clothes anywhere but their rooms.
Q: I had dated my husband for almost 7 years before we were married...I would have died for him. He would walk out my door to go to work and I would cry thinking something tragic may happen to him. Now, married for 5 years, with a 3 year old, I feel like he barely exists. I wonder, how can I place a child in front of someone whom I would die/kill/crawl in the coffin for??? My daughter is the only one I live and breathe for now...is that normal??? My mother, who was a mother of 5, told me, "never neglect your husband, because your children always grow up and leave you...take care of your man." But now it's seems that I don't even care about him...is that normal?
A: Yes, you are completely normal. The mother instinct is quite powerful. It’s like we have a Mommy Chip in our brains, and once we give birth, it’s activated and runs 24/7. And we can never shut the damn thing off.! Nature compels us to nurture our babies to the exclusion of (almost) everything else, which can include our husbands! But one thing is for sure, your mother is 100% right...
Q: My husband works 12 hours a day and sometimes 6 days a week. My mom lives 10 minutes away and is the ultimate grandma! She helps me whenever I need it! Almost every day. But she is sure to be gone when my husband gets home and she doesn't come over on the weekends because she knows it's important that my husband and I have time alone with our newborn (7 weeks). His mom is "different" to put it nicely. She works during the week. I think my husband gets jealous for his mom because she doesn't get to spend as much time with our daughter as my mom does. Therefore, EVERY weekend we end up having dinner or having his parents come over. Is it selfish of me to be annoyed that I have to share my only time with my family with my MIL? Not to mention, she tends to make odd comments that offend me. Some advice?
A: First and foremost, here’s the new pecking order: your spouse and kids come first, then everyone else comes after that, period. Once that is understood, you both need to come up with a Family Management Plan. It sounds like your mother’s visits are only positive. She helps you during the day, and leaves once your husband returns to respect your family time...
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