Q: Sex is not on on my wife’s radar – Help! The whole thing really seems like such a weird joke civilized society plays on us. And ladies, many of us men understand the issues but that doesn’t help eliminate our libidos. Bottom line to me is; if there was a pill I could take that would inhibit my sex drive without inhibiting the other necessary benefits of Testosterone, I would take it in an instant. There is no reason to have a sex drive if your not going to be able to enjoy it. It becomes a curse not a blessing. Much easier to simply share my wife’s biological destiny of child rearing our three and four year-old and all the domestic life I do enjoy immensely, while not concerning myself with having a romantic partner. Really would eliminate a lot of the marital conflict. I’m a good domestic partner as we keep our relationship platonic, but unfortunately my sex drive is sill healthy. Masterbation in the shower is getting real tiring and depressing.
And here’s the worst part; I purchasd this book, read it, found it fantastic and was very excited about my wife sharing it with me, looking for ways to improve our marriage during the process. For two weeks it has been sitting under a pile of Parenting magazines, which she reads every night.
I’m not leaving my family as I love my childrn dearly. I respect my wife as a domestic partner and love her for the mother she is to my children. It’s pretty unfortunate that we have a comatose marraige right now. Ladies, don’t let this happen to your marriage. Tired or not, your relationship with your husband is MORE important than the relationship with your children. When a plane is depressurizing you have to put the mask on yourself first before your children.
Go out there and show him he matters to you. You have no idea how much real desire on your part will fill your man with such a level of satisfaction and pride that he will want to give your family the world! And if you just can’t bring yourself to do it, at least let him know you reallize how mentally unhealthy this situation is making for him; that you look forward to being his playmate again.
Sorry for leaving any typos uncorrected, but my lovely wife is asking for help folding the laundry. You get the picture.
A: We hear you. We’ve heard men all over the country say the exact same thing. And to be fair, most women react the same way once there are children in the picture. Yes, it does seem like civilized society plays a weird joke on us!
Let’s first talk about your wife’s behavior. I can honestly say that most women we talked to, myself included, just didn’t understand why sex was so important to men. We had to talk to hundreds of men before the proverbial light bulb went off. When sex falls off their wives’ radar, we heard them say things like, “the sky is falling down, the wheels are coming off,” and it they are turned down two times in a row, it’s “soul destroying.” Now, I get it. Right now, your wife may think that you are trying to get her to read a book to “improve your sex life” – not what she wants to hear right now, especially if she chased a couple of toddlers around all day. That may be why the magazines are piling up on top of the book.
Here are a few suggestions:
1. Open the book, and read sections to her that are geared toward understanding women. Once she feels that you are empathizing with her and understanding her point of view, then introduce a few sections on how men feel. Once she’s disarmed, then she’ll be more receptive to the male side of the story. Our book is contains the voices of hundreds of men. So she will understand that it’s not just you. That most men think the same way. Key point – don’t start right into the sex issue. Take your time on that one.
2. Redefine Foreplay. When there are small children in the house, foreplay is no longer a candlelit dinner, etc. Foreplay is rolling up your sleeves, getting in the assembly line, and helping out with the kids’ dinner, bath and beyond. Give her an hour to herself so she can get that spit up out of her hair, take a bath, relax, and get out of Mommy Mode. Women feel more like a wife once we take a break from the kids and feel like a woman again.
3. Try doing something romantic without expecting anything in return. Women never like to feel like a flower = a night in the sack. Women want to be wooed; we want to feel like you are dating us. Put some effort into making her feel special, and remember – no 10:00 shoulder taps!
*Image by Larry Martin