Sex: Frustrated Married Men Who Take Matters into Their Own Hands

We talked to hundreds of men and asked them about their marriage after kids.  Most, if not all, of these men were frustrated about one thing…sex.

“I was surprised when sex suddenly became a problem for us. I thought everybody liked it. I was also surprised how hard it was to talk to her about it. I’m not the most direct person to begin with, but I have been as direct as I have ever been with her on this subject, and still she doesn’t understand. I feel even more vulnerable having put my feelings on the line like that.”

—Trevor, married 9 years, 2 kids

The pain of rejection is doubled when men’s efforts to communicate their needs fall on deaf ears. Many said that their wives don’t take this issue seriously. Some guys described feeling hopeless. They feel resigned to a life of sexual deprivation, trapped in a marriage they committed to before someone changed the rules.

Hey Girls, Don’t Believe Us? Think We’re Exaggerating?

Read what guys have to say about their unmet sexual needs when they can say it anonymously. All this dialogue comes from a purported “sports fans” website that one of our “traitor” guy friends put us on to (we bleeped out some of the more colorful material):

Topic: “Married Men Who M*#*%&%*# ”

Bob: Do you make even a modicum of an effort to keep it secret? What I mean is, do you do it when your wife is away, or do you just go ahead and start *#%*ing away in the bedroom knowing full and well (and not caring) that your wife could walk in at any minute?

Phil: I notice that we never run out of lotion at my house. . . . We may not have any food, but there is always a full bottle of Jergens in the bathroom. I think she has it figured out.

Carl: Married guys, especially after shooting out a couple of kids, do it more than single men since we get less sex. I don’t do it in front of her, but I also don’t worry about her walking in or anything—she knows I do it. Heck, she supports it as it means it is less likely I will try to get some from her. This also seems like a good time for my standard Public Ser-vice Announcement to all the single men. “Do not ever get married and have kids; it is the worst thing you could ever do for your sex life. She is only pretending to be interested in sex so you will marry her and knock her up.”

Mark: Carl . . . I hope to hell that isn’t true. Right now my fiancée loves to get it on. I would infer from your post that I should perhaps have her sign a legal document stating that she will attend to my sexual needs on a consistent basis, and consistent shall be defined by me. If this is a sham, all hell is gonna break loose!

Paul: Mark, better get a piece of paper and pen ready when you get home.

Brad: One time, my wife and I did it eight times on a Sunday before church. We weren’t married then. I haven’t seen her naked eight times in a month much less had sex with her.

Carl: Mark, listen to the voices of the wise elders. Learn from our mistakes.

Todd: Herein lies the little secret of marriage that no one talks about: you have to swear fidelity in public in front of God and everyone else, but she doesn’t have to commit to taking responsibility for your natural desires as a male. When she has a kid or two, she barely even remembers that you exist. My sense is that approximately zero percent of women who have not been married before have any idea that this will require any effort on their part.

Ed: I think we should all collectively write a book entitled, Married Men Who M%#*#*%#*#*. It would be a best seller. Really.

Steve: Well, besides the kids, here is why I continue to stick around . . . Given the probabilities, I’d rather take my chances with the woman I have than risk getting something worse. I do get some at least once a week, generally, so it’s not all that bad. . . .

Carl: Once a week? I’d give anything to get it once a week. You are living the dream, man.

Sean: Steve, man, do you have any idea what men like me would do to get it once a week? I’d strip down buck naked at work, and drive all the way across town on I–35 in 5:00 p.m. traffic in hundred-degree heat in a car with leather interior for a “shot.”

Clay: My wife always says, “Sex is all you think about.” Yes, she makes a solid point, but as soon as the average guy gets cut off—ME—it sure as hell becomes the only thing! Obviously you can add me to the list of extremely bitter married men who long for the days of strange women and wild sex. I honestly don’t remember the last time I had sex that didn’t begin with “Hurry up.”

Ted: I feel for guys like Carl and the others. What kind of wife is that? As for the point of this thread, I probably ‘reel in the marlin’ at least once a week.

Sean: I’ve gotten so frustrated that it seems that I find myself getting more and more aggressive with flirting with female coworkers and friends. I’m trying to stay faithful, but at the same time, what am I being faithful to?

Mark: This thread is the scariest thing I’ve ever read. This keeps it real.

Scary indeed. Discount for a high level of testosterone-driven bravado and you can see the frustration underneath. They have nowhere to turn but total strangers. It’s not like they’re going to lean over to their old golfing buddy and say, “Hey, my wife and I haven’t had sex in two months. Marriage sucks. At least I can choke the chicken when she starts snoring. Wow, nice drive! Beer? So, how’s your marriage?”

It’s so important for us women to understand how men feel when they are rejected.  Some men said it’s like “the sky is falling down,” “the wheels are coming off” and if they are rejected two times in a row, it’s “soul destroying.”  If we draw an apples to apples comparison, we would feel a similar kind of rejection if our husbands ignore us and read a book through an entire meal, or just don’t talk to us for a month.  Women feel a connection through verbal communication, while men feel a connection through sex.

When each side makes an effort to see the other point of view, it’s the first step to better communication and a healthy sex life.   Instead of each of you taking matters into your own hands, you as a married couple can start taking matters on together.

* Image from


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2 Responses to Sex: Frustrated Married Men Who Take Matters into Their Own Hands

  1. Stacie says:

    I’m sorry to hear that. Have you tried talking to him about it? There may be more going on than him being tired from work. I would definitely need more information.

  2. Stacie says:

    Chip, right now it sounds like you are in a vicious cycle. Her “supply” doesn’t seem to catch up to your “demand.” Here are some ideas for you to try:

    1. Give her some space for an ample period of time. Just take a break and let the dust settle a bit. Once she feels like you aren’t tapping your foot and looking at your watch, you can find your mutual ground.

    2. Try talking more, and making a real effort to date your wife. Women never want to feel like the “bagged deer” that just happens to be on the other side of the bed. Women never want to feel convenient.

    3. Redefine foreplay. Take over the house and kid ropes for a while so she can have an hour to herself to take a bath, shave her legs, etc. She needs this time make that mental switch from Mommy Mode to Wife Mode.

    4. Never give her the Ten O’Clock Shoulder Tap. You know what that is. You both trip over the toys and dirty diapers and climb into bed, there’s no form of verbal communication, then you reach over and tap her shoulder indicating your desire for sex. The Tap makes women feel like a 7 Eleven, open for business at your convenience.

    5. Be careful of the Hourglass Effect. If she turns you down, don’t turn the hourglass over making her feel like she has to “perform” to make up for hurt feelings. This never works, adding more turns to the vicious cycle.

    6. If you can’t seem to get on the right path after all these efforts, it’s important for her to understand where YOU are coming from. When you are out to dinner or some place that you can have a real conversation, ask her to read the Sex chapter in Babyproofing Your Marriage. There, she will find the voices of hundreds of men echoing the same messages. She will discover that YOU are not some dog after her all the time. You are completely normal. Men have said that when their wives reject them, “the wheels are coming off, the sky is falling down, it’s crushing…” And when they are rejected two times in a row, “it’s soul destroying.” This is all part of a key idea: Men connect emotionally through sex, while women connect emotionally through verbal communication. Now we can make an apples to apples comparison. What if our husbands read a book through dinner, or didn’t talk to us for a month? Wouldn’t we feel rejected? Once women understand that turning down their husband is like getting completely ignored for a period of time, maybe couples can start bridging the communication gap.

    Good luck and keep us posted.

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