My Husband Looks at Porn. Is He Not Attracted to Me Anymore?

Q: I have a 2 year old boy. Since he was born, my sex life has changed. Sometimes, we don’t do it for weeks. My husband is into pornography now. Is he not interested in me anymore?

A: I’ll get to the porn thing in a minute.  Lets look at the big picture first. Most marriages with small children have a supply/demand problem in the bedroom – i.e. Dad wants to have sex more often than Mom.  It looks something like this …

Your body may not have changed much, but has your sex drive?  There are lots of reasons this can happen: women are tired; we get consumed with thoughts about the kids, or the house, or work; our need for touch and emotional closeness is satisfied by being with our kids rather than with our husbands – just to name a few.

But if your husband is anything like the hundreds of men we have interviewed he still wants sex, and the emotional connection that sex brings, as much as ever.  Most men also, for the record, confess that they have a look at porn once in a while. So the fact that your husband is looking at it does not necessarily mean that he is not still attracted to, and very much in love with, you. It’s possible that he’s looking at porn to take care of his excess desire.

Now, I don’t know what’s happening in your marriage, but if there is a pattern of rejection, or you go long stretches without having sex, it’s time for you both to take action and reclaim your adult relationship, your intimacy.  Porn can’t give him that closeness.  It just allows him to take care of a primal need. He still wants and needs the real thing, you.  Long dry spells can’t give you that closeness, either.  Try taking the initiative to kick-start things.  Then remind him you could use a little romance and thoughtful attention (not just a Ten O’Clock Shoulder Tap) to help you reclaim your womanly self.

Have you spoken with him about his porn use? If not, try to have that conversation when you are feeling loving towards each other, maybe even after you have sex.  This will increase the chances that your husband will be more receptive to what you have to say. Let him know that you love him, that you are attracted to him and that you want to have a great sex life (with him). Tell him that when he looks at porn it makes you worry that he is not attracted to you any more. And then just listen to what he says. I realize that these are not easy issues to discuss, and talking about how you feel and what you want, might be out of your comfort zone.  But your happiness and the well-being of your marriage is at stake, so please speak up.

Good luck!

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