Before you had kids, remember your Saturday and Sunday? Forty-eight hours of R&R. You could stay in bed (together) until noon . . . or not. You could have brunch at your favorite little bistro. Take in a movie. Paint your toenails, paint his toenails. The options were endless. He did his stuff. You did your stuff. Then you did some couple stuff. Remember when the most taxing issue you had was “Hey, what’ll we do this weekend?” Kids arrive, and that question becomes, “You’re doing what this weekend?” The what being fishing, jogging, aerobics, a manicure, work, golf, or whatever activity it is that takes you away from kids and spouse for more than thirty minutes.
“I really resent that he wants to take off for five hours to play golf on Saturday, then he expects me to be oh-so-grateful because he watches the kids while I go to yoga for an hour. Big friggin’ deal.”
—Jane, married 9 years, 2 kids
Welcome to the weekend, the Scorekeeping Super Bowl.
“TGIF? That’s a joke. Thank God it’s Monday is more like it. I kiss my desk on Monday morning.”
—Dev, married 7 years, 2 kids
“Peter and I argue over ‘pacing.’ He’s not in any hurry, but I feel like I have to keep moving or the whole family will be buried in laundry, toys, dishes, and dust bunnies. I can’t stop. And I can’t take a break. If I take a break, then the baby will want to nurse by the time I’m ready to start working again and I will fall further behind. Meanwhile, he wants to relax on the weekend and sip his coffee. I want him to be up and cleaning the bathroom.”
—Kelly, married 8 years, 3 kids
The answer is twofold: 1) Make The Everything List and Divide and Conquer, and 2) Give each other Get Out of Jail Free Cards.
Make a list of everything, absolutely everything you can think of that must be done, sometimes every day, sometimes on the weekends, sometimes just occasionally (like every birthday and holiday).
Daily: work; children (up, dressed, nursed, fed, de-slimed after breakfast, hair brushed, teeth brushed, lunches and backpacks packed, notes, forms, etc.); drive children to school/day care; daily house maintenance (dishes, laundry, trash, etc.); lawn and garden care; prepare meals; nap management for small children and babies
Weekly: family activity and time management (includes birthday parties); adult social-life management (remember that?); grocery shopping/meal planning; after-school activities/playdate management and transportation; weekly/monthly/(biannual?) house cleaning (mopping, bathrooms, etc.)
Specials: extended family management (visits, calls, etc.); photo management; gift management: birthdays in your family (3–6 -people), birthdays of extended family (6–20 -people); correspondence management (birthday cards, thank-you notes, email); travel management; holidays (cards, decorations, gifts, activities, cooking); home projects (repair, maintenance, and generally making it look nice); volunteer for kids’ schools
Ongoing Administration: bills; health care (appointments, insurance, etc.); education (school selection and evaluation)
As one couple with five children told us: “We’re each giving one-hundred percent here, each in our own way. We have to focus on the end result, not always keeping the score fifty–fifty.”
Another friend said, “We have a good division of labor. If he doesn’t do his part, it’s his problem. If it’s not that important, I wash my hands of it.” Play on your strengths. If you love to cook, sign up for that. Retain control over things that are really important to you. If not washing the darks and whites together is tantamount to your happiness, don’t let it go. Keep the laundry on your side of the list. Then relax and assume your spouse will take care of his or her fair share.
You simply can’t wing it anymore. You’ve got to have a plan in place so you both take responsibility for your side of the list.
2) Give each other Get Out of Jail Free Cards.
Especially when you have two or more children, the workload explodes and your free time can go to zero. Given this pressure, there is no way you can be ON all the time. It’s so important to give each other a break, a Get Out Of Jail Free Card so you can trade off responsibilities long enough to allow each of you to maintain a certain degree (albeit a shadow of its former self) of personal fulfillment. Again, it’s a matter of priorities. It’s just a trade-off, pure and simple. Give a little to get a little. No one should (ahem) be issuing instructions, and no one should (ahem) be angling to get out of his or her fair share. The trick is just to plan it in advance and prioritize. Weigh the errands, the kid’s socializing, the stuff that has to get done, and your mutual desire for time alone – and get it down on paper. And, oh yeah, don’t forget some time together.
With a little thought and planning, you can ratchet down your scorekeeping behavior, or hopefully get rid of it altogether. The Superbowl should not be playing out in your house every weekend, only on TV this weekend. Enjoy the game!
*Illustration by Larry Martin
**Illustration by news.blogs.cnn.com
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