Google “happiness and having children” and you’ll find a lot of depressing studies that seem to conclude that we have a national epidemic of miserable parents on our hands.

While you may not be miserable, we have all, as parents, had those days when we want to run out the front door screaming and hitch a ride to anywhere that Barney, Dora and friends cannot go. Having children is unbelievably rewarding, but the privilege of being a parent comes at a price.  There is so little time and so much to do and whatever life balance we once had takes a hit. Being a parent means reducing the critical self-maintenance activities. I’m not talking about how giving up carousing in bars or a weekly pedicure is kind of a bummer; I’m talking about losing some of the basic components of a happy, well-lived life that recharge us and make us whole, like:

time with friends and family

sleep

exercise

sleep

sex

sleep

work

sleep

volunteer activities

sleep

travel

sleep

We all need energy to live and to be a good parent and spouse.  And energy comes in many forms; food and exercise and sleep; from friendship and laughter and creative challenge.  When we become parents huge demands are placed on our energy reserves.  And if we don’t keep refueling we end up being irritable with each other and, if reserves are completely depleted, depressed and unhappy. And our unhappiness, or just abiding crankiness, can possibly wind up taking the whole ship down.

When we neglect ourselves we wilt. As the Irish writer John O’Donohue has written, “you lose the balance of your soul if you do not … take care of yourself.” When we don’t prioritize our own needs we become irritable, exhausted versions of our former, pre-kid selves. (And we can become damn difficult to live with).

It doesn’t have to be this way. And it shouldn’t be this way.

Because as a parent, you have a duty to be happy. Your happiness and well-being have never been as important as they are right now. Because when you have kids, personal happiness is a responsibility, not a luxury. We all need to cultivate our own happiness in order to be good parents and to be happy in our marriages. We call it the Trickle Down Theory of Familial Happiness: happy self, leads to happy marriage, leads to happy kids.

In my next couple of blogs I’ll outline what we call the Babyproofing Your Marriage Guide to Happiness. Here’s a sneak preview:

Step One: Make a happiness shortlist. Think self-maintenance not self-indulgence.  It’s the difference between going to the gym twice a week and training for a marathon; doing yoga and checking into an ashram; going away for the weekend and taking a three month trek around South America.

Step Two: Your spouse gets to make one, too.

Step Three: Compare your lists and work out a plan of action. Sort of a post-nup, pre-nup.

Step Four: Give up the bad attitudes and low value activities.