How many times have you heard/read the advice,

“You need to make time for yourself …”

“You need to put yourself first …”

“When Mama is happy everyone is happy ..”

You have possibly even said it yourself to another tired-out mama. And, of course, it’s all good stuff, but really somewhat meaningless if

(a) you don’t know what really and truly recharges you.  And,

(b) you don’t know how to find/make the time for these self-maintenance activities.

Make a happiness shortlist: what do you really need?

It’s not about what you like to do – we could all come up with lists a mile long on that one – it’s knowing what really and truly recharges you. Regular self-maintenance is vital to our happiness. What do you need to make you feel like you’re living a life, not treading water? For some it’s a good book; for others it’s a good walk; for most men, it’s a good you-know-what.  Think about what you need on a daily, weekly, monthly even annual basis to sustain your happiness.

As you ask yourself these questions you’ll realize that you really do need to “have it all”. Balance is essential. You might be making it to the gym every other day but if you haven’t hung out with friends in months you’ll probably feel pretty off-kilter. There are a few key areas that are fundamental to leading a happy life:

Health

Marriage

Parenthood

Friendships

Self-Actualization (work, hobbies, volunteer efforts etc.)

All these “cups” need to stay relatively full in order for you to be happy.

“Well, how in hell am I going to do all that?!’ you ask.  Good question. There is no easy way around this one. The only way forward is to be strategic and disciplined about how you use your time. As Stephen Covey has said,

“The main thing is to make the main thing the main thing.”

Find ways to make more time for the essentials by cutting out the things that don’t really matter. (See (b) above.)

Once you’ve come up with a draft of your happiness shortlist, share it with your husband and compare notes. (Because he needs to make one, too. When you’re married, what you need as an individual is just one half of the equation).

Help each other to have it all, don’t compete with each other to have it all.

In the process of figuring out how to give each other some of what we need (he gets to do his dirt-bike thing on Saturday morning; she can go shoe shopping on Sunday afternoon), we build tremendous goodwill that will fuel our marriage and lead to a happier relationship.  Here’s how one couple has described the process of understanding, and making time for, each other needs:

 ”Melinda really needs time with her friends. I used to get annoyed by that, but then I figured it out. If she misses a -couple of book clubs in a row, she is harder to deal with. It is better for me to make sure that she can go.”

—Jay, married 7 years, 2 kids

“I finally realized Jay needs his alone time since he never has any during the week. The stuff he loves to do: running, golf, gardening are all solitary pursuits. I’ve learned to give him that instead of demanding he be ‘fully present’ all weekend. And I think he’s learned that I need more -couple time than he naturally would, so he’s making an effort to be more engaged in our relationship more often.”

—Melinda, married 7 years, 2 kids