After living much of our pre-parenthood lives as relative equals, it comes as a surprise when, post-baby, men and women start to assume different and not always complementary roles. Our instincts nudge women into the role of nurturers and men into the role of providers.  When we become parents our most basic instincts rise to the surface. We find ourselves back in the prehistoric suburbs, where women wonder if baby might be allergic to mammoth and if there are enough wild berries in his diet, and where men stalk buffalo and question whether their hunting abilities will be good enough to get the family through the winter.

It’s like our brains get completely rewired, running two separate “his and her” programs, but for good reason.  Both programs are equally important for the survival and well-being of the baby.  She focuses on the micro, the day-to-day development of the baby, while he focuses on the macro, providing food and shelter for the baby.

In simple terms, she has The Mommy Chip, while he has Provider Panic.

The Mommy Chip

Whether we like it or not (and believe us, often we do not like it), when we have a baby, a nurturing, domestic gene is activated. It’s as if a Mommy Chip is implanted in our brains. And we can’t turn the damn thing off. That microchip gives us supersonic hearing (Was that the baby?), x-ray vision (Those pants are not clean.), lightning reflexes, and a relentless internal dialogue (Do we need more formula? When’s the next doctor’s appointment? Have I registered with enough preschools?). It also comes with a Worst-Case-Scenario Program that plays into our newly-minted-Mommy fears. And, if that’s not enough, the chip is plugged into a Guilt Circuit that compels us to think we are never, ever doing all we could for our children, our husbands, and ourselves.

Once we become mothers, whether we stay at home, or work full-time, or anything in between, that chip is always humming.

Provider Panic

“I would stand over the crib and the first thought that would come into my head was: I better go make more money.”

—Jack, married 7 years, 1 kid

Although men don’t get obsessed about their babies, they do have their own internal hardwiring to contend with. Even if they are one half of a dual-income household, most believe that providing for the financial well-being and stability of the family is their responsibility. Now, before anyone gets their feminist knickers in a twist, let’s take a closer look at that statement. We talked to some women who have always worked, and most had a visceral reaction to the idea that providing for their family was their husbands’ exclusive responsibility.  However, most if not all husbands agreed that even though their wives are willing and able to provide for the family, “the buck stops” with them.  One guy said, “If we don’t have enough money saved for the kids’ college, that will be my failing. I will take that personally.” This sentiment resonated with many of our male friends. They described fatherhood triggering a sort of Provider Panic. This phenomenon often sparks a laserlike focus on work. Career and financial success become more important than ever. In those early months, women worry that the baby is not eating enough or not eating the right foods; men worry that they will not be able to put food on the table. Men’s compelling drive to provide can compromise their ability to see what needs doing (and sometimes even to enjoy what’s happening) on the home front. There’s no mental room for noticing the bottles need washing because the male brain is already in high gear calculating college tuition payments.

Bottom line, once the baby enters the picture, don’t think that your spouse has completely lost it.  Guys, if your wife is obsessed with how many bananas are in the house and registering for preschools when your baby is one day old, she’s not crazy, she’s a mom.  And gals, if your husband suddenly spends more time at work, obsesses over the state of the 401k and doesn’t seem to notice the dirty clothes on the steps, he’s not being insensitive, he’s just nervous about adequately providing for the family.  All in all, you both are hardwired to take care of the new little love of your life.  :)

* Image from http://parentinguru.com

**Illustration by Larry Martin

*** Illustration from www.knackered-dads.com