How many times have you heard/read the advice, “You need to make time for yourself …” “You need to put yourself first …" “When Mama is happy everyone is happy ..” You have possibly even said it yourself to another tired-out mama. And, of course, it’s all good stuff, but really somewhat meaningless if you don’t know what really and truly recharges you and makes you happy.
After living much of our pre-parenthood lives as relative equals, it comes as a surprise when, post-baby, men and women start to assume different and not always complementary roles. Our instincts nudge women into the role of nurturers and men into the role of providers. When we become parents our most basic instincts rise to the surface. We find ourselves back in the prehistoric suburbs, where women wonder if baby might be allergic to mammoth and if there are enough wild berries in his diet, and where men stalk buffalo and question whether their hunting abilities will be good enough to get the family through the winter. It's like our brains get completely rewired, running two separate "his and her" programs, but for good reason. Both programs are equally important for the survival and well-being of the baby. She focuses on the micro, the day-to-day development of the baby, while he focuses on the macro, providing food and shelter for the baby. In simple terms, she has The Mommy Chip, while he has Provider Panic.
Heidi Klum and Seal always seemed crazy about each other. Their love, and delight with their large family, seemed to be the real deal. The news that they are divorcing after seven years of marriage is sad. We all know that celebrity marriages are often not what they appear, that the perfect looking couple on the red carpet gazing into each others eyes might well be giving us all an oscar-winning performance and that they were bickering and calling their respective divorce attorneys on the drive over in the limo.
Q: In your book, "Babyproofing Your Marriage", you all talk about the "Hourglass" that seems to get turned over when the husband asks for sex and is told "Not tonight." The idea is that if the request is not satisfied within the next 24 hours then the hubby's foot starts tapping as he looks at his watch. On one hand, I can see why it would be very annoying for a mom to have a request for sex come out of the blue and then be subjected to some kind of time pressure to get it done within the next X number of days in order to prevent a fight. On the other hand, speaking as a dad, it is also frustrating to have your wife say "Not tonight" and then leave it at that for days on end. I know from experience with my wife that if I ask her for sex on Monday and she says "No", if I ask again within the next couple of days she will get annoyed and tell me that I am obsessing about sex.
Google “happiness and having children” and you’ll find a lot of depressing studies that seem to conclude that we have a national epidemic of miserable parents on our hands. While you may not be miserable, we have all, as parents, had those days when we want to run out the front door screaming and hitch a ride to anywhere that Barney, Dora and friends cannot go.
When my first kid was about three months old I reached my breaking point. I was downright exhausted and needed my husband, Ross, to pick up some slack. (Let me preface this by saying that Ross is a great guy. This happened during the early days of parenting when 'he just didn't get it.') One time, I remember telling him that all I cared about was stepping on some sort of exercise apparatus, improving my overall hygiene, and getting a few hours of shuteye. At the end of the day, he was no where in sight. Where's Waldo? I called him on his cell and of course he said he was on his way shortly. And what did I hear in the background? I could swear it sounded suspiciously like a combination of Golden Tee and a keg being tapped.
Same Story, Different Planets
Meet Janet and Kevin, parents of three young children. Janet stays home with the kids. Kevin’s job requires him to travel a few times a month. Here’s how they both described a recent evening at home: Kevin: “I was thinking about Janet on the flight home. I’ve been traveling a lot lately and we haven’t seen much of each other. And, of course, I’m wondering if she’ll be in the mood later on—after all, it’s been eight days, five hours, and twenty-eight minutes since we last had sex. When I got home, she gave me a big hug so I started feeling optimistic. But I hadn’t even gotten my tie off when she starts laying into me with my ‘assignments:’ ‘Can you get the kids bathed? Did you remember to call the bank? Did you pick up the dry cleaning?’ She didn’t even give me time to breathe. Who needs that crap? I should’ve flown directly on to Phoenix instead of coming home.” Janet: “I was so glad when Kevin got home. Finally, some relief! I thought that after he got the kids to bed we could sit down with a glass of wine. But what does he do? He rolls his eyes at me. I just needed some help. You’d think I’d asked him to rewire the house. And it’s not like I went and put my feet up—I was cleaning up the kitchen and doing yet another load of laundry.”
The million-dollar question. How many times have you and your spouse debated about how many kids to have? I told my husband, Ross, that I was going to have a third whether or not he was involved. Cathy has four kids and her husband, Mike, is still trying to squeeze another one out of her. Julia and Gordon have two which seems to work for them (so far). And of course, there's Brangelina, the famous parents of six, who are still negotiating their final deal. For those of you who are trying to figure out the incremental impact of each kid, just take a look at our chart which details the step-function of lifestyle complexity:
No doubt, you know that one of the things you are supposed to be doing for the health and well-being of your marriage is to have regular date nights with your husband. While a date night sounds like just what you and him need, how great does that date actually end up being?
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Heidi Klum and Seal divorce. What went wrong?
How Many Kids Should We Have?
Let’s Get Real – Body After Baby